The Rat and The Sinking Ship

It has emerged in the last 24 hours that Wayne Rooney has decided that he wants out of Manchester United. The rumour goes that Rooney and Ferguson have had a bit of a fall out, a scenario which is supported by their public disagreement over Wayne's ankle injury.

This will have come as quite a blow to United fans and brothel owners all over the North West. However, so called "irreplaceable" players wanting out of United is nothing new. Staam, Cantona, Ronaldo and Beckham spring all spring to mind. When the line of gunpowder leading to Old Trafford caught alight yesterday my cousin asked me "are Man Yoo fans not annoyed with Fergie constantly falling out with players and shipping them out?" It's hard to hold it against the man who has delivered two Champions League titles and matched Liverpool's league tally, after all, nobody should ever be considered bigger then the club. Unfortunately, the enormous debt the ginger ones have inflicted on one of the worlds richest sport franchises is threatening to eclipse United and the man who revived the Red Devils is watching but saying nothing.

It would be stupid of course to blame the actions of the owners on Sir Alex but it is rather annoying to hear him say there's no value in the transfer market when players like Adam Johnson and Van Der Vaart have gone for less then he will happily spend on fines for not talking to the BBC. Salt is being helped into the wound by NESV who have rescued Liverpool FC from their evil overlords. The Anfield outfit struggling back on their fucking perch signals the end of the diversion.

...Oh go on then.

So where will Rooney go? The smart choice in my mind would be Spain and Real Madrid have made no secret of their admiration of the white Pele in the past. The other options look to be Manchester City or Chelsea. Another welcome to Manchester sign may be too much for anyone associated with United to take which may rule out a City switch. The thought of John Terry and Wayne Rooney at the same club is a terrifying prospect and if you listen carefully at night you can hear Wayne Bridge sobbing while he fits three more locks on his front door.

Has anyone got Wayne Bridge's front door key?

Dubious Champions League predictions

Dispite being interrupted by the UEFA Inter player of the year awards the balls were pulled from the bag. As an extra treat here are my dubious predictions for the group stages of the Champions League.

Group A
Inter Milan, Werder Bremen, Tottenham, FC Twente
Reigning champions Inter should win this group. The only thing that could hinder them is one of Rafa's trademark meltdowns. Werder Bremen are going to be weakened by the loss of Mesut Özil but I still consider them to be stronger then their remaining group mates and expect them to finish second. FC Twente have had some good experience of European football over the last few seasons and I can see this edging them just over Spurs. Spurs I think will finish bottom. Away from home against Young Boys 'Arry's lack of experience at this level showed and it's only going to get harder.

1. Inter
2. Werder Bremen
3. FC Twente
4. Tottenham

Group B
Lyon, Benfica, Schalke, Hapoel Tel-Aviv
Schalke, although they have added to Raul to their ranks, they have sold a lot of key players and don't seem to have replaced them. I still think that they'll scrape the group just behind Lyon. Benfica won't have enough away from home and Tel-Aviv don't seem strong enough looking at how they did in the Europa League last year.

1. Lyon
2. Schalke
3. Benfica
4. Tel-Aviv


Group C
Manchester United, Valencia, Rangers, Bursaspor
United should come out top of this group. Bursaspor will provide the 'didn't see that coming' moment and finish second. Valencia have lost Villa and Silva who could prove to be irreplaceable in this competition but they'll probably get a Europa League spot after being knocked out. Rangers will suffer for having no serious competitors at home in the SPL which has also damaged Celtic when in the Champions League in recent years in my opinion.

1. United
2. Bursaspor
3. Valencia
4. Rangers

Group D
Barcelona, Panathinaikos, FC Copenhagen, Rubin Kazan
I'm beginning to sound like Tim Lovejoy by going for all the big teams but can anybody seriously see this group not finishing with Barcelona top; followed by Panathinaikos. FCK and Rubin Kazan will be close but I expect Rubin to edge it.

1. Barcelona
2. Panathinaikos
3. Rubin Kazan
4. FC Copenhagen

Group E
Bayern Munich, AS Roma, Basel, CFR Cluj
Similar to the above group, the higher seeds, Bayern and Roma, should come out in that order. After being beaten by both in last years Europa League, AS Roma will be looking for revenge against Basel and Cluj (who I'm predicting to finish 3rd and 4th respectively) and may well get it.

1. Bayern Munich
2. AS Roma
3. Basel
4. CFR Cluj

Group F
Chelsea, Marseille, Spartak Moscow, Zilina
This group will be more interesting then the previous two. Chelsea will win but will drop points at Marseille who will drop points to Spartak. Chelsea and Marseille will go through at Spartak's expense but Zilina will be absolutely pulverised home and away.

1. Chelsea
2. Marseille
3. Spartak Moscow
4. Zilina

Group G
AC Milan, Real Madrid, Ajax, Auxerre
The undisputed 'Group of Death'. Auxerre will be the main victim finishing bottom. Real Madrid will win this group. They have been woeful in the Champions League in recent years but you can never bet against Jose Mourinho. Whether he'll win 'ugly' like he did with Inter last season remains to be seen but with Madrid's resources there is absolutely no way they will fail to get out of this group. Ajax will finish second above AC Milan who still lack something and I doubt signing Zlatan Ibrahimović will be the answer.

1. Real Madrid
2. Ajax
3. AC Milan
4. Auxerre

Group H
Arsenal, Shakhtar Donetsk, Braga, Partizan Belgrade
The winners of this group will be Arsenal but I think they will drop points to Shakhtar with Eduardo proving a point. Shakhtar have an awesome crest and kit and this is one of many good reasons for placing them second. Braga knocked out Sevilla on their way and boast Star Wars creator George Lucas amongst their ranks but I have a feeling Partizan Belgrade might be able to pull off a victory or two at home.

1. Arsenal
2. Shakhtar Donetsk
3. Partizan Belgrade
4. Braga

There you have it. I'll review this before the knockout stages to see who (if any of them) I picked correctly.

Football's Coming Home and It's Empty Handed

Every 2-4 years the England national team are hyped up beyond belief by the local media. Every World Cup and European Championship will be their year. Except, the unthinkable happens and England's brave boys are usually knocked out by some rotten bully of a nation who forgets who won the war and clearly didn't get the memo.



As per usual, yesterday The Sun took it's rightful place as the village drunk and blindly criticised everything to do with England's set up. And are they not right? Those good for nothings (who were probably behind the recession) were beaten by a better team when they should transend skill, pace and superior tactics. It's a good thing The Sun didn't run with a front page the morning of the game proclaiming England's brave lions would win. That would be stupider then then having an ex-England manager sing about dreams coming true and adding another star above the England crest before a ball has even been kicked. Or maybe they did. Just maybe.



This isn't exactly a ground breaking opinion, but surely it's time to wake up and realise England are a bit shit? There are some players who I'm sure are good, 1 or 2 of them may be a bit better then good but the sun has well and truely set on the 'Golden Generation' and as a team they have been shocking. Everything from pass completion to covering each other when on the defence was severely lacking. England, as I see it have 2 options; Move on and re-evaluate the way they play, or wait for everyone else to adopt a way of playing that suits them. One of those is a stupid idea.

5 reasons why football is rubbish

Football is followed by millions around the globe. It can make people less likely to commit suicide apparently but also reduce grown men to tears. Of the millions around the globe who watch it, apparently the majority think it's rather good. I am one of those people. Football is also rubbish and I'll tell you the reasons why.

1. Fans. A stupid enough place to start. Fans are the life blood of any football club. Their hard desire to dress up like men they don't really know is what keeps any club in business. These people are also The biggest problem with modern football. The number one reason why most football fans are such a problem is that they fail to see there are more leagues around the world then Sky Sports would have you believe. You'd think with the Internet that the bloke down your local would see that the Premier League isn't as good as Andy Gray says.



2. Telly. If it weren't bad enough that they shoved their ill informed biased views up everybody's face in HD, they now can't even slow down the hype-machine to get the basics right like the laws of the game for instance. When a player should be booked and not be booked is decided by a referee at the time and not some tosser who has seen the replay 6 times so stop acting superior. Also, you think they'd work a little harder when a team from outside Britain plays in a European competition to get the name of said team right. Channel 5 for example seem to think that El Atleti are know as Athaletico. It's just fucking moronic.

3. The Players. I in all honesty don't mind that some players pretend to be hurt to get a penalty or something. It's part of the modern game and it's only to gain an advantage for their team. I also don't care that their paid a year more then the population of Greece. Something much, much worse is afoot. Advertising. Please for the love of god stop trying to make me buy things that have nothing to do with football. How my car runs in 'Hot Pluy-seez' or 'Cold Pluy-seez' is none of your concern Cristiano Ronaldo. Your there to score goals, not to do my fucking M.O.T.

4. Sullivan and Gold. Stop breathing. It's the kindest thing for everyone. That jacket aside, statements like 'The Premier League is the greatest league the world has ever known' and 'All West Ham players except for Scott Parker are for sale' prove that this pair of tits know pretty much nothing about owning a football club, 'pretty much nothing' being above 'absolutely fuck all' which is the rank befitting of any of Portsmouth's owners this last season.



5. Jamie Redknap. He literally doesn't make any sense.

Honourable mentions to Dean Windass (lovely bloke but rubbish as a pundit), FIFA (what do they actually do?), The Sun (thanks a bunch for that fucking Terry Venables singing advert), football in 3D (a pointless novelty that I really want to try) and Arsene Wenger (you haven't won anything for four years. Maybe it's time to stop picking kids in the Carling Cup.)