Peace and Love

I bloody love football but people are going out of their way to ruin it for me. On Sunday night the BBC broadcast 'United'. Apart from a couple of glaring errors (Edwards didn't play in the game Charlton made his debut in) it was a moving, poignant piece of television. Twitter was awash with praise for the show itself and even non-United fans paid their respects to the lost.

The following day, the 25th of April to be precise, Darron Gibson followed some of his Manchester United team mates in creating a twitter account. Just two hours later it was shut down after Gibson received a colossal amount of abuse from other members of the twittersphere. I won't lie to you, Darron Gibson isn't my favourite player either. It doesn't seem right however, to heap abuse upon somebody because you simply don't like the cut of their jib. Criticise a player by all means. Criticism can be constructive and I find the over analysis is half the attraction of football. The mindless abuse directed at Gibson was just plain unpleasant. Unsurprisingly, some of the named and shamed claim to be Manchester United fans.

We support someones local club

Confession time. I'm not from Manchester but I do support Manchester United. "Golly gosh!" I hear you cry, "A Manchester United fan who isn't from Manchester?" Unbelievable isn't it. Neither my Mother or Father are from Manchester either. Nor their parents. I haven't even bothered to invent some tenuous link via my great great great uncle's dog. And here's the real shocker: I could care less about where someone is from in relation to the team they support. I still consider myself a United fan first and foremost. Coming from the South West but supporting a Northern team has been a bone of contention since the day I decided I wanted to be Ryan Giggs when I grew up. Does choosing another team over your hometown club really matter anymore? People move about the world more freely and Sky Sports and the Internet mean there's much more access to the Premier League. It's no wonder the Premiership is the worlds most watched association football league when you think about it.

That said, the point of this post isn't for me to come out of the 'glory hunter' closet. It's to express my utter disappointment in my fellow 'fans'. The likes of Iain Macintosh and Dave Hartrick have expressed much better then I ever could why the moronic taunts about Munich, Hillsborough and Istanbul are totally unacceptable. However, not everyone seems to understand that such chants are not acceptable. The day after 'United' aired, the same old 'Munich' taunts were heard at Manchester City vs Blackburn. It's not just limited to Manchester United. Every time most clubs get within a sniff of Liverpool Heysel and Hillsborough are rubbed in their faces and even after a show of respect as both sets of Old Firm fans remembered those who lost their lives in the Ibrox tragedy, hostilities have resumed between Celtic and Rangers with Celtic manager Neil Lennon being targeted with a parcel bomb.

Let's be honest. Despite the Kick it Out campaign it's hard to ignore the persistent racist, homophobic and abusive chanting still heard all over the world. Most of the Football Clubs involved don't seem to be doing enough to stamp it out. They and everyone involved in football need to take the Copa Del Racism and run it over with the tolerance bus.

Let's hug it out.

Which brings me to my conclusion. I am pleading with the witless to stop watching football. You're really making it hard for me to enjoy. I figure that if you stick to 'The Only Way is Essex' I don't have to be associated with you. Also, if you stop going/watching/using it as an excuse for a tear up, then football will once again become something to be proud of. If football regains it's pride then it can get back to what it's really about: friendly competition. No more hate. Just peace and love. Trust me, it's the way forward.

Unsung FC - 'They Must Have Forgotten' - Jack Leslie

Unsung FC is a new feature designed to bring attention to the great men and women who have changed the game of football but perhaps don't get the recognition they deserve. First up is Jack Leslie.

In 1885, Arthur Wharton became the first player of African decent to play Association Football in England and the first black professional player in the world. An all-round sportsmen, Wharton was a keen cyclist, cricketer and sprinter, setting a world record of 10 seconds for a 100 yard sprint in 1886. Originally playing for Darlington he later signed for Preston North End. While a part of the famous 'Invincibles' side of the 1800's, Wharton left before winning any honours to concentrate on his running.

In 1978, Viv Anderson became the first black player to earn an England cap. Winner of two European Cups with Nottingham Forest, Anderson was called up by then England manager Ron Greenwood who stated: "Yellow, purple or black - if they're good enough, I'll pick them." Sandwiched between these to pioneers of football in England is Jack Leslie.

Real pioneers rock a moustache - Viv Anderson and the late Arthur Wharton

Jack Leslie was born in Canning Town, London on the 17th of August 1901. Born to a Jamaican father, Leslie started his football career with his local side Barking Town. In 1921 the inside left signed for Plymouth Argyle but at the time you could count the number of black professional players on one hand. As a result of this and attitudes of the time Leslie was subjected to unforgivable racial abuse. He later recalled - "I used to get a lot of abuse in matches. 'Here darkie, I'm gonna break your leg,' they'd shout. There was nothing wicked about it - they were just trying to get under my skin." Despite this Leslie had an incredible career for the Pilgrims; he made a total of 401 appearances for the club scoring 136 goals. During his time with the club Argyle finished runners up in the Football League Third Division South, 6 times (1921–22, 1922–23, 1923–24, 1924–25, 1925–26, 1926–27), eventually winning it in the 1929-30 season. Leslie and Plymouth would also play against the likes of Manchester United and Arsenal, the latter of which was a fourth round FA Cup tie in January 1932. The game drew a record crowd of 65,386 to Highbury and Leslie scored Argyles second goal in a 4-2 defeat to Herbert Chapman's famous side. Between 1927 and 1929 Leslie held the record for most league goals scored (35), but it appeared that the best was to come.

During the 1930's legendary Argyle manager Bob Jack informed Leslie that he had received the call to play for his country. In an interview with the Daily Mail in 1978 Leslie told them - "One day, a Tuesday, as I remember it, the manager calls me in. 'Johnnie' he says, 'I've got great news for you. You've been picked for England.' It was quite a thing for a little club like Plymouth to have a man called up. Then the papers came out a day or so later and Billy Walker of Aston Villa was in the team, not me."

The reason for his exclusion came from FA officials who claimed that they had not known Leslie to be 'a man of colour'. Later, Leslie surmised - "They found out I was a darkie and I suppose that was like finding out I was foreign." His daughter, Evelyn, told the BBC of her fathers disappointment - "It would have been the icing on the cake, but it was taken away from him. He had a lot of disappointments because of his colour."

Not long after the invitation was withdrawn Leslie famously told journalist Brian Woolnough: "They must have forgot I was a coloured boy."

Jack Leslie retired from professional football in 1934. He later went on to be a member of the backroom staff at his local club: West Ham United. He passed away in 1988 but will live long in the memory of not only Plymouth Argyle fans, but football fans everywhere.

Jack Leslie

If Music Be The Food Of Love, Play Football

In the 1920's whilst manager of Huddersfield, Herbert Chapman arranged for gramophone records to be played over the public address system to keep the crowd entertained before games and at half-time. Since that day football and music have gone hand in hand like a Premier League footballer and a sex scandal. There are examples of this phenomenon elsewhere but it remains a largely British tradition. But, the relationship between the two art forms has changed in recent years. Fans were once content to to morph pop classics into hymns about their club heroes. They now express annoyance at having their every celebration undermined by stadium announcers with terrible timing. I would be inclined to agree. 'Duh-Duh Duh, Nuh-Nuh-Nuh-Na' will never be a match for cries of passion. Just ask any women I've ever slept with.

Let's not forget however, that prior to Chelsea Dagger and half hour Muse tracks there was a tradition which is now largely ignored: The Cup Song.

The first trace of such a song was in the 1930's when Arsenal released a gramophone record. Probably something to do with Chapman. The first commercial success however was the England national team's 1970 World Cup squad with 'Back Home'.

'Back Home' sounds as though it was recorded during a particularly heavy session down their local but it somehow became a hit, staying at number 1 on the singles chart for three weeks after knocking off Norman Greenbaum's 'Spirit in the Sky'. This also proved something that Elton John would find out after the death of Princess Diana: If people are emotionally invested in something, they will buy any old piece of shit record. Throughout the rest of the 1970's England failed to qualify for the 74 and 78 World Cups leaving Scotland to pick up the mantle with 'Easy Easy' and 'Ole Ola (Mulher Brasileira)' respectively. The latter of the two features Rod Stewart and is also terrible. Domestically in England it was much of the same. The two FA Cup finalists would each release a single in a build up; the highlight being Chelsea's anthem 'Blue is the Colour' which peaked at number 5 in 1972 and stayed in the top 75 for 12 weeks.

Another single well worth a look at is Nottingham Forest's 1978 effort 'We've Got the Whole World in Our Hands' if only for the shot of Brian Clough 13 seconds in. Ol' Big 'Ed is clearly not enjoying himself.

The football songs of the 70's were hardly significant in the history of song writing. In 1981 that all changed.

With the release of 'Ossie's Dream (Spurs Are On Their Way To Wembley)' Chas 'n' Dave revolutionised the football song. The Rockney duo who had opened for Led Zeppelin forced the humble football song into the modern era. Not only was it self-aggrandising and terrace friendly; it featured Ossie Ardiles singing "In de cup for Tot-ing-ham". Chas 'n' Dave followed 'Ossie's Dream' up with 'Tottenham Tottenham' in 1982 and 'Hot Shot Tottenham' in 1987. The Spurs supporting pair were often imitated (see Everton's 'Here We Go') but never duplicated. It was during the mid 80's when Chas 'n' Dave reigned supreme that the football song plague spread to America. The Chicago Bears released 'The Superbowl Shuffle' and the New York Mets 'Let's Go Mets Go'.

In 1988, to borrow a football cliche, the goal posts were moved again...

Liverpool's 1988 number 3 hit really has to be seen to be believed. It borrows from LL Cool J's 'Rock The Bells' and Eric B & Rakim's 'I Know You Got Soul' in addition to sampling 'Twist and Shout' by The Beatles. It was conceived AND co-written by Australian striker Craig Johnston and centres around the rather xenophobic idea that there weren't enough scousers in the Liverpool squad of the time. It features John Aldridge, Steve McMahon, John Barnes, Bruce Grobbelaar, Craig Johnston, Kevin MacDonald, Gary Gillespie, Steve Nicol, Ronnie Whelan, Alan Hansen, Ray Houghton, Jim Beglin, Nigel Spackman and Jan Molby, manager Kenny Dalglish, ITV commentator Brian Moore and legendary manager Bill Shankly. Not only was it full of sick rhymes it paved the way for John Barnes to do something even better.

'World In Motion' was amazingly New Order's only number 1 hit. You can forgive them for featuring Keith Allen (who would later go on to inflict Lilly on the world) because for the first time ever there was a football song which was pretty decent. Also, I dare say, a song which has some actual music credibility. It was the start of a peak in football's relationship with popular culture that would end with 1996's 'Three Lions (Football's Coming Home)'. Both songs were two of only four number 1 football songs (the other two being my starting point 'Back Home' and Manchester United and Status Quo's 'Come On You Reds' in 1994). 'Three Lions' took the musical credibility tag one step further by not even bothering to feature the chief protagonists, save for a small cameo in the video.

Everything since has been either rubbish or derided. With a new big money effort and numerous unofficial songs released every other year the people of Britain once again became cynical. The football song slowly slumped back to it's former status as a joke, tail firmly between legs. The first blow was dealt by Adam and Joe. Their 'Footie Song' summed up the football song effortlessly. Neither of them understand nor care about football and make it and the idea of the football song sound as stupid as it probably is.

Football and music will continue to collaborate for as long as both exist. At least until the next great football song we can take solace from 'Diamond Lights', 'We've Got a Feeling' and 'Head Over Heels in Love'. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Kevin Keegan...

Why England Lost My Support (Other Curious Football Phenomena Left Largely Unexplained)

Much like a Middle Eastern dictator, the England national team recently lost support. Namely mine. Gaddafi never had my support but England did. Not anymore though, I've had enough. I'm taking my ball, and I'm going home.

I first became aware that England had a football team during Euro 96. I was too young for the 1990 world cup and only vaguely aware of a man they called Gazza. That summer I saw something awesome. Unfortunately, it's been down hill ever since.

In the run up to England's victory over Denmark a few weeks back, Ashley Cole was named England's player of the year and whilst playing in aforementioned game, became the most capped fullback in England history. A remarkable transformation from pantomime villain to fan favourite had occurred and I couldn't work out why. I've never liked Ashley Cole, as player or person, but public opinion had shifted. That is until this week when the News of the World broke a story about A-Cole shooting a 21 year old work placement student with an air-rifle. How did an air-rifle make it's way onto the Chelsea training ground? Ashley took it there himself of course but apparently 'forgot' that it was loaded. I find this to be the behaviour of a moron. As for the gossip regarding his marriage, I'm no expert, but I do know that Cashley didn't exactly come out of it smelling of roses.

Terry, Crouchy, Rio, Coley, Lamps and SWP. All of them bastards.

So far this is reading like I'm just having a pop at a man who likes to text pictures of his genitals to women of questionable moral standard. It's not just Ashley Cole though. There are few players in the current England selection pool that I like. Glen Johnson tried to steal a toilet seat, Gareth Barry wanted to play Champions League football but settled for cash instead and 'happily married' 'Dad of the Year' John Terry fucked his mates girlfriend. Wayne Rooney is another terrible human being. I don't even like him playing for Manchester United and I actually DO support them. Temper tantrums that could once be blamed on youth and immaturity are becoming inexcusable. Well, inexcusable to everyone but the FA. It pains me when walking around a city centre on a any given Saturday; to see children wearing shirts with the name of a man on the back who has cheated on his wife (whilst pregnant) with prostitutes of various ages and who this last weekend elbowed an opposition player in the face. It's even worse when it's a grown man. I don't expect football players to be angels because most of them certainly fucking aren't. I just don't want to see them engaging in thuggish behaviour on or off the pitch regardless off whether Phil Collins is played or not.

Don't get me wrong. It's not just the players that have put me off. Most football clubs have owners. Usually rich business men after a quick buck with little to no regard for the history or welfare of the club they run at a loss for tax purposes (allegedly). Sitting pretty atop of this particular pile is The Football Association. The FA was founded near the turn of the last century and hasn't really changed it's views on the game since. They are the ultimate bad owner if you will. Whilst safety at football grounds in England has improved since the tragedies of the 1980's there are still many things the FA can't get right: Football clubs are going into administration left, right and centre with nobody positions of power doing anything. There are only two black managers in the whole of The Football League and no outwardly gay players or managers. So called 'grass roots' football is in terrible shape and the women's game isn't fairing much better. It goes without saying that the FA is not spending it's money wisely. Wembley stadium ended up costing the FA in excess of £757 million. In January 2010 it was reported that they were advertising for jobs at the new Wembley with six-figure salaries. They aren't the only ones being overpaid though: England manager Fabio Capello is believed to be earning around £4m a year. I'm pretty sure that that's too much money for one man to get paid and not deliver on his job requirements.

The new England Shirt

Obviously the line between governing body and business is a blurred one. There are certain practices that are now common place amongst the world's top clubs. I think the problem here is that I expected more from the national team. I am of course referring to the release of a new shirt every year. In recent history: England launched a new 'retro design' home kit in March 2009 in plenty of time for it to be worn at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. In March 2010 Kasabian, resembling snarling twats of a by gone era, swaggered onto the L'Oympia stage in Paris wearing England's new away shirt. In September 2010, after a terrible World Cup, in typical money grabbing fashion, a new home kit was launched. When first launched the shirts retailed at £49.99 for adults and £34.99 for children, which I'm sure is great news for parents. Even better when you add the socks, shorts and official training gear to your shopping basket. Joey Barton seems to have summed it up best whilst referring to another phenomenon: the releasing of autobiographies during a world cup years. Coley, Lamps and Stevie G have all been guilty of this during their England careers, but 'Everyman' Barton hasn't. Probably because he played for England once. Cleverly mimicking an actual England midfielder in December 2006, he said: "England did nothing in the World Cup, why are they bringing books out? 'We got beat in the quarter-finals, I played like shit, here's my book'. Who wants to read that?" Who indeed Joey.

Even the people who I have stood with in pubs and at badly organised barbecues are ruining the national team for me. These people are more commonly known as England fans. I'm bored to death of the wave of optimism that blankets the country every two years. I'm annoyed by my local being painted to look like the St George's Cross. AND I fucking hate those poxy flags that are on every car for two weeks every other June. These people, with their optimism, also like to boo at the end of halves. England are not the best team in the world. The thousands that overpay to see England play at Wembley must surely realise that they aren't going to see anything akin to 70's Brazil. I have also never been able to understand the way that some 'fans' are able to boo a player all season because he plays for the wrong team but come summer they'll proudly display his name on the back of an England shirt. This was particularly evident to me growing up supporting Manchester United. As far as I could see it you either liked Gary Neville or you didn't. There's no middle ground with Red Nev. The opposite of this hypocritical support is scapegoating. In recent tournaments Frank Lampard and Owen Hargreaves have been held solely accountable for England not winning everything. The worst case of this occurred the moment some genius reader of The S*n decided to burn an effigy of David Beckham outside his 'boozer'.

It's alright. Spain are my 'Premiership' team

I think now I've got most of that off my chest (I've looked, still no 3 lions) I can see things more clearly. In future I'd like to keep my relationship with England the same as the one I have with my brother. He's a bit of a dickhead but I do still want the best for him. The problem is though, come Euro 2012 I'll be sucked back in all over again but like every other time I'll only end up feeling used as tears wash away the little flags I so carefully painted on my cheeks. They'll promise it'll be different this time, but it won't.

My Two Cents

Unless you've been living inside some wonderful arsehole repelling bubble this week it can't have escaped your notice that there's been a bit of a kerfuffle over at Sky Sports towers. Richard Keys and Andy Gray were caught on mic having a bit of banter that most level headed folks consider to be inappropriate. Since football began in 1992 Keys and Gray have been the faces of The Empire's football output. That's most of my life. Due to a mental problem I don't normally cope well with change but in this case, someone else presenting Monday Night Raw Football or Super Duper Sunday doesn't bother me in the slightest. I mean come on, this isn't like Des Lynam leaving the BBC and Match of the Day.

The comments Keys and Gray made during the Wolves vs Liverpool game (and in the various videos being leaked on to YouTube by the hour) were highly sexist. As I'm not a women and have never experienced prejudice based on my gender I'm concerned that commenting on the treatment of women in football will come across as insincere but I'll do my best.
 

Keys in happier times

Keys came to the attention of the nation presenting TV:AM, a sort of primitive version of Daybreak. Breakfast television at the time was far from innocent. TV:AM put a homeless rat into various humorous situations and on BBC Breakfast a woman was forced into a green leotard and made to writhe around. With a background in controversial television it's not surprising that this isn't the first gaff Keys has made whilst miked up, once describing a Scotland vs Faroe Islands international game thusly: 'Daft little ground, silly game. Fuck off.' But, who can hold that against him? And who amongst us can consider him sexist when he actually got married, to a woman! And, he allowed her to say things like this to the Guardian: 'Sky were offside in the sexism row' and 'The wrong two guys were given the red card.' Having a wife who can deliver so many football based puns without even knowing the offside rule is quite an achievement but Keys easily outdid her (probably because he's man) by saying things like 'Success breeds envy', 'the dark forces were out for me' and 'Smell my cheese, you mother!' to Talk Sport, presumably forgetting he was on mic again.

Viewers of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding will recognise the 'grabbing' technique

Andy Gray took the traditional route to football journalism. He played as a striker for Everton and then met a bloke in a pub who knew someone who knew someone who Gray showed a trick involving salt, pepper and some imagination. In Gray's defence iPad's hadn't been invented prior to 1991 and neither had football. According to his Wikipedia entry Gray has 5 children by 4 different women. I'm sure you can make your own mind up about him.

Charlotte, can you give me a hand with my microphone cable?

Both are thankfully now gone. After a short suspension Keys resigned while Gray was sacked. Andy and Richard may have fucked up on a Ron Atkinson level but, there are a few silver linings to this whole incident: 1. The profile of women working in football, particularly the mens game, has risen beyond belief and the hope is that it will keep rising with the launch of the FA Super League in April and the continued introduction of female officials in the Premier League. 2. With Keys and Gray out of the way Sky has the opportunity to refine it's output. The Internet (twitter being a prime example) is awash with talented football types who could do a far superior job covering the Premier League and could do so without uttering 'Did you smash it?' or 'He's said I'm going to hit it, and he has, and it's gone in. Tika booow san.' That's also not mentioning great pundits already on the telly like Lee Dixon who could actually provide more of an insight into the game without having to resort to touchscreen technology.

Unfortunately the obvious casualty from all of this, Sian Massey, is still suffering the after affects. She had been due to be an assistant referee of the Crewe vs Bradford game mid-week and was to referee the Corby Town vs Eastwood Town in the Blue Square Bet North league this evening but she has been withdrawn from both by the same people who have persisted with Stuart Attwell for so long. She has to be the first official in the history of the game who has been pulled from matches for getting a decision right.

Dubious Champions League predictions - The Results

The dust has settled on the group stage of the 2010/11 Champions League finals and it's time to go over the dubious (meaning rubbish) predictions I made back in August.

Group A

I said

1. Inter
2. Werder Bremen
3. FC Twente
4. Tottenham

Results

1. Tottenham
2. Inter
3. FC Twente
4. Werder Bremen

0/4

Gareth Bale proved he's a better winger then a left-back and helped Tottenham to first place and made defending champions Internazionale and Maicon look poor in the process. Inter never looked convincing under Benitez but may yet surprise under new management. Werder lost out on Europa League competition after losing 2 - 0 at home to Twente.

Group B

I said

1. Lyon
2. Schalke
3. Benfica
4. Tel-Aviv

Results

1. Schalke
2. Lyon
3. Benfica
4. Tel-Aviv

2/4

Schalke and Lyon benefitted from superior competition in their local leagues. Benfica and Tel-Aviv couldn't get results away from home as I expected.

Group C

I said

1. Manchester United
2. Bursaspor
3. Valencia
4. Rangers

Results

1. Manchester United
2. Valencia
3. Rangers
4. Bursaspor

1/4

United cruised through this group without a loss. Valencia have showed all season that losing Villa and Silva has not left them too weakened. Rangers bagged a Europa League spot by seamingly playing 8-2-0 and Bursaspor were not the shock I optimistically thought.

Group D

I said

1. Barcelona
2. Panathinaikos
3. Rubin Kazan
4. FC Copenhagen

Results

1. Barcelona
2. FC Copenhagen
3. Rubin Kazan
4. Panathinaikos

1/4

Barcelona are an irresistable force at the moment and for a minute there it looked as though Copenhagen would prove to be an imovable object but the Catalans prevailed in the end. A victory over the Danes seperated Kazan and Panathinaikos.

Group E

I said

1. Bayern Munich
2. AS Roma
3. Basel
4. CFR Cluj
Results

1. Bayern Munich
2. AS Roma
3. Basel
4. CFR Cluj

4/4

Not much to say about this group but Roma's fightback against Bayern in the Stadio Olimpico must be noted.

Group F

I said

1. Chelsea
2. Marseille
3. Spartak Moscow
4. Zilina

Results

1. Chelsea
2. Marseille
3. Spartak Moscow
4. Zilina

4/4

Chelsea, dispite troubles in the Premier League, dominated. What I thought would happen pretty much did: This group will be more interesting then the previous two. Chelsea will win but will drop points at Marseille who will drop points to Spartak. Chelsea and Marseille will go through at Spartak's expense but Zilina will be absolutely pulverised home and away.

Group G

I said

1. Real Madrid
2. Ajax
3. AC Milan
4. Auxerre
Results

1. Real Madrid
2. AC Milan
3. Ajax
4. Auxerre

2/4

Real Madrid and Jose Mourinho combined was never going to be a picnic for any potential opponants. Milan's renaisance has been captivating. Now with added Cassano they could do what their city rivals could not and beat claim victory over Spurs. Ajax benefitted from Auxerre's terrible away results.

Group H

I said

1. Arsenal
2. Shakhtar Donetsk
3. Partizan Belgrade
4. Braga
Results

1. Shakhtar Donetsk
2. Arsenal
3. Braga
4. Partizan Belgrade

0/4

Shakhtar were the surprise of the group stages, only losing once to Arsenal on their travels. Partizan were beaten home and away in all their games and Braga turned 'The Quarry' into a fortress.

A total of 14 out of a possible 32 predict corrections. It's less then I would have hoped for but I shouldn't be too surprised judging by my Betfair account.

How do you solve a problem like the Old Firm?

This past weekend Celtic hammered Aberdeen 9-0. The Old Firm have long been the dominant force in Scottish Football, winning the Scottish League in it’s various formats 95 times out of the 114 times the Scottish title has been contested. In recent years the pattern has only been broken by Aberdeen who were the last non-Old Firm team to win the league in the 1984/85 season and by Hearts who broke the 1st and 2nd place monopoly in the 2005/06 season. While the divide between Scotland’s top two and the rest of the pack has been apparent for a while, Celtic’s 9-0 victory has only accentuated the problem.

Along with more silverware and marketability, the Old Firm also boast a much larger support then their rivals. So far in the 2010/11 season the average attendances for the SPL are as follows:

Team - Pld - Total - Highest - Average - Capacity - Pct

1 Celtic (2) - 6 - 297226 - 58874 - 49538 - 60832 - 81.4%

2 Rangers (1) - 5 - 224940 - 46109 - 44988 - 50444 - 89.1%

3 Heart of Midlothian (6) - 6 - 81911 - 15637 - 13652 - 18008 - 75.8%

4 Hibernian (11) - 5 - 67820 - 17767 - 13564 - 17500 - 77.5%

5 Aberdeen (9) - 5 - 55185 - 15307 - 11037 - 22199 - 49.7%

6 Dundee United (4) - 5 - 42932 - 11790 - 8586 - 14209 - 60.4%

7 Kilmarnock (7) - 5 - 29449 - 8645 - 5890 - 18128 - 32.4%

8 Motherwell (3) - 6 - 33514 - 9207 - 5586 - 13742 - 40.6%

9 Inverness C T (5) - 6 - 30994 - 7547 - 5166 - 22199 - 23.2%

10 St Mirren (12) - 6 - 27892 - 5674 - 4649 - 11125 - 41.7%

11 St Johnstone (8) - 6 - 27041 - 6866 - 4507 - 10673 - 42.2%

12 Hamilton Academical (10) - 5 - 16175 - 5356 - 3235 - 5300 - 61.0%

(Thanks to http://itv.stats.football365.com/dom/SCO/PR/attend.html)

This is of course just another in a long line of examples. The point remains the same: The Old Firm have outgrown the SPL. There have been two options discussed. The first and probably more favourable option is that Celtic and Rangers join an ‘Atlantic League’ where top teams from nations with small professional leagues like Scotland, Portugal, Netherlands and Scandinavia for example, would form a league that could earn them higher TV revenues. I cannot see this idea ever getting off the ground. For one, most of the teams would take a financial hit by losing out on a place in a European competition. Also, the chances of UEFA ever agreeing to this are slim as it undermines the Champions League and the Europa League. The fixture list in such a league alone would be a logistical nightmare when you consider the travelling time and costs of the clubs and fans involved.

Option 2 is that they join England’s Premier League. The average attendances so far this season in the Premier League show that Celtic and Rangers would be up there with the Premier Leagues bigger clubs:

Team - Pld - Total - Highest - Average - Capacity - Pct

1 Manchester United (2) - 6 - 451275 - 75285 - 75213 - 75769 - 99.2%

2 Arsenal (3) - 6 - 360148 - 60086 - 60025 - 60432 - 99.3%

3 Manchester City (4) - 5 - 231996 - 47393 - 46399 - 48000 - 96.6%

4 Newcastle United (5) - 5 - 231461 - 51988 - 46292 - 52387 - 88.3%

5 Liverpool (9) - 6 - 260264 - 44722 - 43377 - 45362 - 95.6%

6 Chelsea (1) - 5 - 207861 - 41828 - 41572 - 42055 - 98.8%

7 Sunderland (8) - 6 - 235706 - 41709 - 39284 - 49000 - 80.1%

8 Everton (11) - 5 - 187528 - 39673 - 37506 - 40394 - 92.8%

9 Aston Villa (14) - 5 - 186794 - 40688 - 37359 - 42551 - 87.7%

10 Tottenham Hotspur (7) - 5 - 178807 - 35967 - 35761 - 36310 - 98.4%

11 West Ham United (20) - 5 - 168812 - 34589 - 33762 - 35647 - 94.7%

12 Wolverhampton Wndrs (19) - 5 - 137659 - 28582 - 27532 - 28525 - 96.5%

13 Stoke City (17) - 5 - 133057 - 27372 - 26611 - 28384 - 93.7%

14 Fulham (13) - 6 - 151238 - 25643 - 25206 - 26600 - 94.7%

15 Birmingham City (15) - 6 - 147375 - 27333 - 24563 - 30009 - 81.8%

16 Blackburn Rovers (16) - 6 - 146830 - 25869 - 24472 - 31367 - 78.0%

17 West Bromwich Albion (10) - 6 - 141812 - 25625 - 23635 - 28003 - 84.4%

18 Bolton Wanderers (6) - 6 - 130818 - 25171 - 21803 - 28723 - 75.9%

19 Blackpool (12) - 5 - 78850 - 16116 - 15770 - 9491 - 166.1%

20 Wigan Athletic (18) - 6 - 93139 - 17100 - 15523 - 25138 - 61.7%

(Thanks to http://itv.stats.football365.com/dom/ENG/PR/attend.html)

With the added income they’d receive from the various television deals the Premier League has secured, I have no problem believing that Celtic and Rangers could compete with the Premier Leagues bigger clubs within a couple of seasons of their joining and although they would probably lose out on a place in European competition (at first at least), playing better teams on a weekly basis could only improve them. It may not be such a bad thing for the rest of the SPL either. With the Old Firm gone the rest of the teams could compete in a more even league and could possibly benefit from games in the Champions League or the Europa League.

The thing is, there are for more negatives then positives in this idea. For Celtic and Rangers themselves it would mean losing out on vital Champions League money and there is no guarantee that they would be able to hold their own against not only the so called ‘big 4’ but also teams like Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspur and Everton who are already established in the set up and are already competing for the Europa League spots (and of course there is the possibility that any of the 3 aforementioned teams could take Liverpool’s spot in the ‘big 4’). The SPL would also suffer as a result of the defection. None of the remaining teams would have the resources to compete in Europe and without Celtic and Rangers the SPL looks less appealing to any potential television companies.

Two more teams in the Premier League isn’t something that many English clubs are willing to consider either as it could cost them a spot in the Premier League and therefore cost them money, which was shown when Phil Gartside’s proposal of a two-tiered Premier League was soundly rejected. In November 2009 the Premier League released the following statement:

"Bolton Wanderers submitted a discussion paper detailing ideas concerning the restructuring of the Premier League into two tiers with the inclusion of Celtic and Rangers,"
"The clubs welcomed the additional input into an ongoing process, however, they were of the opinion that bringing Celtic and Rangers into any form of Premier League set-up was not desirable or viable.
"The other relevant ideas contained within Bolton's paper will now be taken forward as part of the wider strategic review being undertaken by the Premier League since November 2008 with the aim of providing recommendations before December 2010."

Premier League Chief Executive Richard Scudamore, on BBC Radio 5 Live added:

"As regards to Celtic and Rangers it's a non-starter. So we've made a clear and unequivocal statement and we're going to move on from there. No means no.
"The clubs constitutionally voted to say we're not going to take this any further, Celtic and Rangers are not coming in."

It seems more and more unlikely that such a move is ever likely to benefit either the Premier League or the SPL and I’m sure the Premier League still has the Rangers fans rioting in Manchester when they consider any decision. In my opinion the only way to go would be a full merger of the English and Scottish league systems with anything below the Championship split into Northern and Southern feeder Leagues as is the case in non-league football. The English and Scottish teams could also compete for their respective FA and League Cups. Travelling should not be a problem in this day and age for clubs and supporters alike when you consider last season in the Championship which saw Plymouth Argyle and Newcastle United play each other home and away with little problem. According to Google directions, by car, from Old Trafford, Manchester to Ibrox Stadium, Glasgow is 220 miles and would take around 3 hours 43 minutes. Compare this to the distance between Old Trafford to Fratton Park, Portsmouth which Manchester United have made over previous seasons which is 242 miles which would take around 4 hours 16 minutes. This is without looking to the example of international leagues where clubs regularly make longer trips to fulfil fixtures.

This idea, though simple, would still not satisfy everybody. Clubs from both sides of the border would bemoan losing league positions and the money they bring, while the Scottish FA have long held a fear that if the Leagues were to merge they would no longer be independent and FIFA would insist on a Great Britain national team rather then separate nations. It simply comes down to timing. The only opportunities that have ever been there for a merger were when the professional league systems were being formed in the early 19th century and in 1992 with the formation of the Premier League. The possibility of a radical overhaul is fast disappearing but with December 2010 and UEFA’s Financial Fair Play rules approaching maybe it needs to be seriously considered one last time.

The Rat and The Sinking Ship

It has emerged in the last 24 hours that Wayne Rooney has decided that he wants out of Manchester United. The rumour goes that Rooney and Ferguson have had a bit of a fall out, a scenario which is supported by their public disagreement over Wayne's ankle injury.

This will have come as quite a blow to United fans and brothel owners all over the North West. However, so called "irreplaceable" players wanting out of United is nothing new. Staam, Cantona, Ronaldo and Beckham spring all spring to mind. When the line of gunpowder leading to Old Trafford caught alight yesterday my cousin asked me "are Man Yoo fans not annoyed with Fergie constantly falling out with players and shipping them out?" It's hard to hold it against the man who has delivered two Champions League titles and matched Liverpool's league tally, after all, nobody should ever be considered bigger then the club. Unfortunately, the enormous debt the ginger ones have inflicted on one of the worlds richest sport franchises is threatening to eclipse United and the man who revived the Red Devils is watching but saying nothing.

It would be stupid of course to blame the actions of the owners on Sir Alex but it is rather annoying to hear him say there's no value in the transfer market when players like Adam Johnson and Van Der Vaart have gone for less then he will happily spend on fines for not talking to the BBC. Salt is being helped into the wound by NESV who have rescued Liverpool FC from their evil overlords. The Anfield outfit struggling back on their fucking perch signals the end of the diversion.

...Oh go on then.

So where will Rooney go? The smart choice in my mind would be Spain and Real Madrid have made no secret of their admiration of the white Pele in the past. The other options look to be Manchester City or Chelsea. Another welcome to Manchester sign may be too much for anyone associated with United to take which may rule out a City switch. The thought of John Terry and Wayne Rooney at the same club is a terrifying prospect and if you listen carefully at night you can hear Wayne Bridge sobbing while he fits three more locks on his front door.

Has anyone got Wayne Bridge's front door key?

Dubious Champions League predictions

Dispite being interrupted by the UEFA Inter player of the year awards the balls were pulled from the bag. As an extra treat here are my dubious predictions for the group stages of the Champions League.

Group A
Inter Milan, Werder Bremen, Tottenham, FC Twente
Reigning champions Inter should win this group. The only thing that could hinder them is one of Rafa's trademark meltdowns. Werder Bremen are going to be weakened by the loss of Mesut Özil but I still consider them to be stronger then their remaining group mates and expect them to finish second. FC Twente have had some good experience of European football over the last few seasons and I can see this edging them just over Spurs. Spurs I think will finish bottom. Away from home against Young Boys 'Arry's lack of experience at this level showed and it's only going to get harder.

1. Inter
2. Werder Bremen
3. FC Twente
4. Tottenham

Group B
Lyon, Benfica, Schalke, Hapoel Tel-Aviv
Schalke, although they have added to Raul to their ranks, they have sold a lot of key players and don't seem to have replaced them. I still think that they'll scrape the group just behind Lyon. Benfica won't have enough away from home and Tel-Aviv don't seem strong enough looking at how they did in the Europa League last year.

1. Lyon
2. Schalke
3. Benfica
4. Tel-Aviv


Group C
Manchester United, Valencia, Rangers, Bursaspor
United should come out top of this group. Bursaspor will provide the 'didn't see that coming' moment and finish second. Valencia have lost Villa and Silva who could prove to be irreplaceable in this competition but they'll probably get a Europa League spot after being knocked out. Rangers will suffer for having no serious competitors at home in the SPL which has also damaged Celtic when in the Champions League in recent years in my opinion.

1. United
2. Bursaspor
3. Valencia
4. Rangers

Group D
Barcelona, Panathinaikos, FC Copenhagen, Rubin Kazan
I'm beginning to sound like Tim Lovejoy by going for all the big teams but can anybody seriously see this group not finishing with Barcelona top; followed by Panathinaikos. FCK and Rubin Kazan will be close but I expect Rubin to edge it.

1. Barcelona
2. Panathinaikos
3. Rubin Kazan
4. FC Copenhagen

Group E
Bayern Munich, AS Roma, Basel, CFR Cluj
Similar to the above group, the higher seeds, Bayern and Roma, should come out in that order. After being beaten by both in last years Europa League, AS Roma will be looking for revenge against Basel and Cluj (who I'm predicting to finish 3rd and 4th respectively) and may well get it.

1. Bayern Munich
2. AS Roma
3. Basel
4. CFR Cluj

Group F
Chelsea, Marseille, Spartak Moscow, Zilina
This group will be more interesting then the previous two. Chelsea will win but will drop points at Marseille who will drop points to Spartak. Chelsea and Marseille will go through at Spartak's expense but Zilina will be absolutely pulverised home and away.

1. Chelsea
2. Marseille
3. Spartak Moscow
4. Zilina

Group G
AC Milan, Real Madrid, Ajax, Auxerre
The undisputed 'Group of Death'. Auxerre will be the main victim finishing bottom. Real Madrid will win this group. They have been woeful in the Champions League in recent years but you can never bet against Jose Mourinho. Whether he'll win 'ugly' like he did with Inter last season remains to be seen but with Madrid's resources there is absolutely no way they will fail to get out of this group. Ajax will finish second above AC Milan who still lack something and I doubt signing Zlatan Ibrahimović will be the answer.

1. Real Madrid
2. Ajax
3. AC Milan
4. Auxerre

Group H
Arsenal, Shakhtar Donetsk, Braga, Partizan Belgrade
The winners of this group will be Arsenal but I think they will drop points to Shakhtar with Eduardo proving a point. Shakhtar have an awesome crest and kit and this is one of many good reasons for placing them second. Braga knocked out Sevilla on their way and boast Star Wars creator George Lucas amongst their ranks but I have a feeling Partizan Belgrade might be able to pull off a victory or two at home.

1. Arsenal
2. Shakhtar Donetsk
3. Partizan Belgrade
4. Braga

There you have it. I'll review this before the knockout stages to see who (if any of them) I picked correctly.

Football's Coming Home and It's Empty Handed

Every 2-4 years the England national team are hyped up beyond belief by the local media. Every World Cup and European Championship will be their year. Except, the unthinkable happens and England's brave boys are usually knocked out by some rotten bully of a nation who forgets who won the war and clearly didn't get the memo.



As per usual, yesterday The Sun took it's rightful place as the village drunk and blindly criticised everything to do with England's set up. And are they not right? Those good for nothings (who were probably behind the recession) were beaten by a better team when they should transend skill, pace and superior tactics. It's a good thing The Sun didn't run with a front page the morning of the game proclaiming England's brave lions would win. That would be stupider then then having an ex-England manager sing about dreams coming true and adding another star above the England crest before a ball has even been kicked. Or maybe they did. Just maybe.



This isn't exactly a ground breaking opinion, but surely it's time to wake up and realise England are a bit shit? There are some players who I'm sure are good, 1 or 2 of them may be a bit better then good but the sun has well and truely set on the 'Golden Generation' and as a team they have been shocking. Everything from pass completion to covering each other when on the defence was severely lacking. England, as I see it have 2 options; Move on and re-evaluate the way they play, or wait for everyone else to adopt a way of playing that suits them. One of those is a stupid idea.

5 reasons why football is rubbish

Football is followed by millions around the globe. It can make people less likely to commit suicide apparently but also reduce grown men to tears. Of the millions around the globe who watch it, apparently the majority think it's rather good. I am one of those people. Football is also rubbish and I'll tell you the reasons why.

1. Fans. A stupid enough place to start. Fans are the life blood of any football club. Their hard desire to dress up like men they don't really know is what keeps any club in business. These people are also The biggest problem with modern football. The number one reason why most football fans are such a problem is that they fail to see there are more leagues around the world then Sky Sports would have you believe. You'd think with the Internet that the bloke down your local would see that the Premier League isn't as good as Andy Gray says.



2. Telly. If it weren't bad enough that they shoved their ill informed biased views up everybody's face in HD, they now can't even slow down the hype-machine to get the basics right like the laws of the game for instance. When a player should be booked and not be booked is decided by a referee at the time and not some tosser who has seen the replay 6 times so stop acting superior. Also, you think they'd work a little harder when a team from outside Britain plays in a European competition to get the name of said team right. Channel 5 for example seem to think that El Atleti are know as Athaletico. It's just fucking moronic.

3. The Players. I in all honesty don't mind that some players pretend to be hurt to get a penalty or something. It's part of the modern game and it's only to gain an advantage for their team. I also don't care that their paid a year more then the population of Greece. Something much, much worse is afoot. Advertising. Please for the love of god stop trying to make me buy things that have nothing to do with football. How my car runs in 'Hot Pluy-seez' or 'Cold Pluy-seez' is none of your concern Cristiano Ronaldo. Your there to score goals, not to do my fucking M.O.T.

4. Sullivan and Gold. Stop breathing. It's the kindest thing for everyone. That jacket aside, statements like 'The Premier League is the greatest league the world has ever known' and 'All West Ham players except for Scott Parker are for sale' prove that this pair of tits know pretty much nothing about owning a football club, 'pretty much nothing' being above 'absolutely fuck all' which is the rank befitting of any of Portsmouth's owners this last season.



5. Jamie Redknap. He literally doesn't make any sense.

Honourable mentions to Dean Windass (lovely bloke but rubbish as a pundit), FIFA (what do they actually do?), The Sun (thanks a bunch for that fucking Terry Venables singing advert), football in 3D (a pointless novelty that I really want to try) and Arsene Wenger (you haven't won anything for four years. Maybe it's time to stop picking kids in the Carling Cup.)