Why England Lost My Support (Other Curious Football Phenomena Left Largely Unexplained)

Much like a Middle Eastern dictator, the England national team recently lost support. Namely mine. Gaddafi never had my support but England did. Not anymore though, I've had enough. I'm taking my ball, and I'm going home.

I first became aware that England had a football team during Euro 96. I was too young for the 1990 world cup and only vaguely aware of a man they called Gazza. That summer I saw something awesome. Unfortunately, it's been down hill ever since.

In the run up to England's victory over Denmark a few weeks back, Ashley Cole was named England's player of the year and whilst playing in aforementioned game, became the most capped fullback in England history. A remarkable transformation from pantomime villain to fan favourite had occurred and I couldn't work out why. I've never liked Ashley Cole, as player or person, but public opinion had shifted. That is until this week when the News of the World broke a story about A-Cole shooting a 21 year old work placement student with an air-rifle. How did an air-rifle make it's way onto the Chelsea training ground? Ashley took it there himself of course but apparently 'forgot' that it was loaded. I find this to be the behaviour of a moron. As for the gossip regarding his marriage, I'm no expert, but I do know that Cashley didn't exactly come out of it smelling of roses.

Terry, Crouchy, Rio, Coley, Lamps and SWP. All of them bastards.

So far this is reading like I'm just having a pop at a man who likes to text pictures of his genitals to women of questionable moral standard. It's not just Ashley Cole though. There are few players in the current England selection pool that I like. Glen Johnson tried to steal a toilet seat, Gareth Barry wanted to play Champions League football but settled for cash instead and 'happily married' 'Dad of the Year' John Terry fucked his mates girlfriend. Wayne Rooney is another terrible human being. I don't even like him playing for Manchester United and I actually DO support them. Temper tantrums that could once be blamed on youth and immaturity are becoming inexcusable. Well, inexcusable to everyone but the FA. It pains me when walking around a city centre on a any given Saturday; to see children wearing shirts with the name of a man on the back who has cheated on his wife (whilst pregnant) with prostitutes of various ages and who this last weekend elbowed an opposition player in the face. It's even worse when it's a grown man. I don't expect football players to be angels because most of them certainly fucking aren't. I just don't want to see them engaging in thuggish behaviour on or off the pitch regardless off whether Phil Collins is played or not.

Don't get me wrong. It's not just the players that have put me off. Most football clubs have owners. Usually rich business men after a quick buck with little to no regard for the history or welfare of the club they run at a loss for tax purposes (allegedly). Sitting pretty atop of this particular pile is The Football Association. The FA was founded near the turn of the last century and hasn't really changed it's views on the game since. They are the ultimate bad owner if you will. Whilst safety at football grounds in England has improved since the tragedies of the 1980's there are still many things the FA can't get right: Football clubs are going into administration left, right and centre with nobody positions of power doing anything. There are only two black managers in the whole of The Football League and no outwardly gay players or managers. So called 'grass roots' football is in terrible shape and the women's game isn't fairing much better. It goes without saying that the FA is not spending it's money wisely. Wembley stadium ended up costing the FA in excess of £757 million. In January 2010 it was reported that they were advertising for jobs at the new Wembley with six-figure salaries. They aren't the only ones being overpaid though: England manager Fabio Capello is believed to be earning around £4m a year. I'm pretty sure that that's too much money for one man to get paid and not deliver on his job requirements.

The new England Shirt

Obviously the line between governing body and business is a blurred one. There are certain practices that are now common place amongst the world's top clubs. I think the problem here is that I expected more from the national team. I am of course referring to the release of a new shirt every year. In recent history: England launched a new 'retro design' home kit in March 2009 in plenty of time for it to be worn at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. In March 2010 Kasabian, resembling snarling twats of a by gone era, swaggered onto the L'Oympia stage in Paris wearing England's new away shirt. In September 2010, after a terrible World Cup, in typical money grabbing fashion, a new home kit was launched. When first launched the shirts retailed at £49.99 for adults and £34.99 for children, which I'm sure is great news for parents. Even better when you add the socks, shorts and official training gear to your shopping basket. Joey Barton seems to have summed it up best whilst referring to another phenomenon: the releasing of autobiographies during a world cup years. Coley, Lamps and Stevie G have all been guilty of this during their England careers, but 'Everyman' Barton hasn't. Probably because he played for England once. Cleverly mimicking an actual England midfielder in December 2006, he said: "England did nothing in the World Cup, why are they bringing books out? 'We got beat in the quarter-finals, I played like shit, here's my book'. Who wants to read that?" Who indeed Joey.

Even the people who I have stood with in pubs and at badly organised barbecues are ruining the national team for me. These people are more commonly known as England fans. I'm bored to death of the wave of optimism that blankets the country every two years. I'm annoyed by my local being painted to look like the St George's Cross. AND I fucking hate those poxy flags that are on every car for two weeks every other June. These people, with their optimism, also like to boo at the end of halves. England are not the best team in the world. The thousands that overpay to see England play at Wembley must surely realise that they aren't going to see anything akin to 70's Brazil. I have also never been able to understand the way that some 'fans' are able to boo a player all season because he plays for the wrong team but come summer they'll proudly display his name on the back of an England shirt. This was particularly evident to me growing up supporting Manchester United. As far as I could see it you either liked Gary Neville or you didn't. There's no middle ground with Red Nev. The opposite of this hypocritical support is scapegoating. In recent tournaments Frank Lampard and Owen Hargreaves have been held solely accountable for England not winning everything. The worst case of this occurred the moment some genius reader of The S*n decided to burn an effigy of David Beckham outside his 'boozer'.

It's alright. Spain are my 'Premiership' team

I think now I've got most of that off my chest (I've looked, still no 3 lions) I can see things more clearly. In future I'd like to keep my relationship with England the same as the one I have with my brother. He's a bit of a dickhead but I do still want the best for him. The problem is though, come Euro 2012 I'll be sucked back in all over again but like every other time I'll only end up feeling used as tears wash away the little flags I so carefully painted on my cheeks. They'll promise it'll be different this time, but it won't.